SurvivingInfidelity

While this site might appear to be a good place to go if you're lost and looking for direction due to being cheated on, the sad and simple truth is that you'll be convinced to stay with your cheater no matter HOW horrendous your situation is. And God FORBID you don't drink the Kool-Aid and promote leaving a cheater, you're an infidel.

I've seen Sister Milkshake mentioned quite a bit in these reviews - and not positively. What a self important tool she is, thinking she's so very wise. She's just another pathetic example of someone with no expectations in life at all and whose chosen to eat at the Sh*t Sandwich Cafe for the rest of her life. Yeah, that's someone I want to emulate.

The 'group think' is that therapy is the magic cure for everything. Just send your lying, cheating, manipulative, abusive cheater to some therapist because they're 'broken,' and they'll emerge right as rain! Yessir! Such a load of hogwash.

Also, be prepared for just about every cheater to be 'diagnosed' by the members as having "FOO" issues, being a Narcissist, having Borderline Personalty Disorder, or their FAVORITE one, "he's a sex addict!" Just look through the "Reconciliation" board and you'll see a bunch of sad sacks in there, still married to these creeps who've cheated so many times and these pitiful women just continually delude each other into staying with these cheating losers. You can actually smell their desperation from HERE.

Joining this site is like having your own membership to the Desperado's Club. If you're desperate enough to want to cling to some cheating butt-munch at ALL costs, join up. They'll have you swallowing your pride and self respect in no time at all.

I had been a "member" of SI.com for about 2 years, when I responded to a post from a wayward who was still in her affair & basically whining about it & looking for support to keep the affair alive! They advertise that Waywards are welcome to post IF they are remourseful or have left the affair... this person had not! Deeply Scared did not like what I had to say & called me out on it "publicly". I wrote her a private message asking why several "long timers" could write semilar, but not be called out. Such as SisterMilkshake & some others. She told me they had been warned via private message... Hmm... so some get " reprimanded" privately & some publicly! Wow! That seems fair!? (BTW... A " long timer" took up for me, but she still didn't ban him!?) Long story short... Deeply Scared & MH evidently don't like being challenged, will read your private messages to others & if they decide you are a threat to THEIR site, they will just totally block you! That's ok tho... it's a horrible site for recovery anyway! Just stay away! Signed... Trying2loveagain... ;)

I'm so glad to find this review site. I have talked to other members and we all agree that this site has gone horribly wrong. It once was a really decent site. Had members that were suffering, sure, but had some very strong voices that were far enough along in their healing to provide balance and healthy support. It has completely gone off the rails. I blame the staff and the site owners. DS is petty and petulant. She is no more healed than when she had her affair. She just has substituted SI for another man.

The collective pathology of the current members is ensuring new members don't stay long and keeps the dysfunctional around for years. There is a member that actually posts how she married her husband so she could have a baby daddy for her child and then added 3 more with him. She actually stated that she loved him because of how good he was to her and how well he took care of her so she can stay home and home school. I'm a betrayed spouse and find this absolutely appalling. I have never believed there was any excuse for cheating but seriously? Treating this guy like a walking wallet and now she has him on a very short leash and wonders if she still loves him? She never loved him. Damn, woman. Take care of yourself and your kids! Have some bloody independence and pride.

Sadly none of the good people that would call that stuff out before are around anymore so just the enablers that bitterly wallow to "oh you poor poor thing".

They need to shut the site down and start fresh or at least sell/resign for a group that will be in a far better place to offer some genuine support and also call out wayward thought processes on BOTH sides. I'm leaving and I know of several members that barely even go on anymore. You can really tell by how slow the forums are and how few people respond that aren't the "in" crowd.

DS, do the right thing, for once. Step aside.

I have been reading this site since discovering my husbands affair three weeks ago applying for membership in the hope of finding support and advice. This website is definitely not the place for sound, empathetic advice and I will not be activating my membership request.

There seems to be a bunch of incredibly bitter, nasty people who wear their 'victimhood' like a cloak to enable them to be cruel and offer unqualified and dangerous advice to strangers who overrun the board. They enforce their mentality on others encouraging them to be just as broken and unhealthy in their thought patterns insisting it's the norm - it's not! But if anyone disagrees, whether on the site or in one of the members real lives they are belittled and cut off.

The board is apparently moderated but only by those who align with this twisted way of thinking. As an example the forum rules include no personal attacks and that posts can't be dragged around from other parts of the site to be discussed in protected areas. Yet a betrayed wife was allowed to bring a post from a wayward spouse part of the board to attack an 'other woman' this was all perfectly acceptable to the moderators and included nasty personal attacks referring to other members as sluts, when the person being attacked tried to defend themselves they were adminished yet the behaviour of the bitter betrayed was completely ignored.

Probably the most horrific thing I've read though was a post in which a woman discussed how selfish her husbands other woman was try to commit suicide and "how dare she". This was followed by a number of similar posts by other betrayed wives until one member brought up her suicidal ideation due to mental illness and tried to educate these idiots on the realities of being mentally ill. Her personal life was then attacked and she was told how selfish she was in relation to a very delicate, private situation she was going through. She was the lone voice of reason in a very disturbed group who seem to believe that just because they've been cheated on the have a right to attack the vulnerable. No moderation there either!

Stay away, if you've been cheated on there is help available to you. Please don't get caught up in this dangerous place.

Surviving Infidelity is great if you are a betrayed spouse (which I am) and you want your head patted and to be told any bad behavior you have is okay (which I don't want). Everyone is told any type of revenge the betrayed spouse wants to exact against the cheater or other man/woman is okay. If anyone steps in to say bad behavior is bad no matter which side it comes from... prepare to be told you are unsupportive and not to post. Apparently if you've been cheated on, any behavior you have is acceptable and anyone saying otherwise should stop posting. I'm not one to condone bad behavior... I don't care what the situation is. I quickly learned at SI bad behavior is okay if your spouse has cheated on you... seems counterproductive to healing to me, but I also noticed the vast majority of people there are not looking to heal but to wallow in their pain and make someone pay for it... it isn't surprising few of the marriages 'reconcile' even though some don't divorce... they just sit in their misery. If you want true healing... find a professional...

Their healing library contains a section called "articles", these are posts written by other site members, not professionals. I've seen people "high fived" for hacking emails and yelling profane insults in front of their own or other children.

I understand the pain of infidelity, but turning around and making excuses for bad bahavior does not make the pain go away or make me a better person. It breeds bitterness and hate. That is what this site supports and encourages, if you dare speak out about the bad behavior of a betrayed spouse, be prepared to be told to stop posting because you are not "supportive". A very dangerous place for those trying to heal in a positive way.

Worst site for both betrayed and wayward spouses. I wouldn't recommend anyone to use this site as a means to heal. It's only made my marriage worse and I'm hoping after my husband reads these reviews he will discontinue use on it. Thank you to all who have reviewed. For the wayward side, you are not to have feelings. You shall bow down to your betrayed spouse and do as they command. Take your lifelong punishment as you should. I'm utterly shocked and disgusted by members claiming to be there to help yet putting people down for sharing a different opinion. Majority of people on there seem to be mindless, brainwashed robots. They seem to feel every situation is exactly the same. It's great if you're a betrayed spouse. On their side, the wayward is always wrong. They sit there & condone, not just condone, encourage bad behavior toward their wayward spouses. Majority of people on the betrayed site seem to use their partners infidelity as a way to control their spouse. Not just control but to get their childish way with everything in the marriage "or I will leave". They talk about a 180. It works for everyone they say. If my husband pulled a "180" on me, I would have walked out. On both sides, people seem to focus on one thing said in your post. It is always completely off topic of what you are actually trying to get answers for. I posted a situation in which I know I was in the wrong and stated it numerous times in my post. My post was to ask advice on how to make it right. Instead of offering advice, people went on a tirade about what I had done in the first place. I stated numerous times that I understand my reaction wasn't what it should have been. It was still ignored and people still went on and on about it. In one post, I called the "other man" my ex and mistakingly put in AP (affair partner) rather than FAP (former affair partner), which was a typo. BIG MISTAKE that was. "You called him your ex. You still have feelings for him. "You said AP. That sounds present. That suggests to me that you are still in your affair". Really? People on there are ridiculous.

I never thought I would ever post reviewing anything but stay away from this site. I've been a member for years. Don't post much anymore but read from time to time. Just a poor excuse for a social club now. I don't remember it being like this when I joined. The group think and the little cadre of bitter betrayeds that run anyone that has any moderate, rational view points off. A post today was a betrayed that had cheated on every relationship. A newer member called her out on it and the regular tribe swoops in and basically coddles her. How sad that a newbie has it far more together than the messes that continue to run every forum on that site. I was betrayed and have since remarried. I get the pain. I have recommended the site but every one I recommended it to never lasted. Left because of the cult mentality. I thought they were maybe being too sensitive. No. It's basically, "We know it all and are the experts. No other way works and how dare you not be hateful and bitter." The condescension and patronizing tone of their posts are offensive. They gang up on everyone that disagrees. Sister Milkshake that still googles and stalks her husbands ow years after, solus sto making nothing but excuses for any one betrayed regardless of how appalling they act. Even the few that post in wayward have become insufferable. How sad. Truly this was once a great site. The owner has always been petty but there were other members that made it worthwhile. It's nothing anymore other than a club, as another reviewer stated. A really pathetic one no one should want to join. Run. Reddit and other sites are far better than this mess. Baggage reclaim is a great resource too.

Survivinginfidelity.com is a great idea gone bad, unfortunately, over the years. It was once great. Its still a good place to answer a lot of the what do I do now? Questions, but in the past several years it has suffered from becoming a cult of personality around the owner, Deeply Scared, and a few moderators who carefully toe the Deeply Scared line. Most of them probably dont realize what they are doing, enforcing the will of a petty, petulant autocrat who lashes out at people whenever she feels like it, while pretending to be someone quite different in her public persona. If you piss her off, theres no going back. Years ago, when a fellow moderator, one of her best friends, thought she was being a little too harsh with someone, she simply banished her own friend, writing her off forever.
Follow the rules to the letter and you should be OK. They keep a careful record of transgressions and just boot you, usually without much explanation, for doing anything against the guidelines. Doesnt matter if youve been there ten minutes or ten years, the treatment is the same. Youre not a person youre a profile. Dont question anything. Rules are more important than people.
The site is generally biased toward women, with many fewer male posters. Males with strong character do not do well there, probably because they pose a threat to Deeply Scareds authority in some bizarre way. Dont try to figure it out. Still, there are some wonderful people who post there, no question about it. Annabel below says The members that are pets are ruining the site and being allowed to run rampant while the truly healthy ones leave or get removed. Yes, thats very true.
I wouldnt expect Jill to respond to any of these comments, because she would have to reconcile the fact that they are quite consistent one to the next, and she might actually have to go take a hard look in the mirror. Thats not going to happen. The best thing that could happen would be to turn the site in its present format over to someone who could run it less autocratically, with more tolerance and empathy, and less like a personal queendom.

Survivinginfidelity is a real travesty. Very few actually are surviving, but more wallowing and dispensing just sheer crap as advice. I joined and have read some of the worst recommendations from both a legal and mental health stand point ever. The other review that said if you just read the site guidelines you'll be fine, yep, I bet he's one of the wonderful insanely bitter betrayed men that are just oozing all over that site. There are very few there, I will say that, as most men I know sac up and wouldn't be caught dead posting on a web site. Look, betrayal is a part of life and if this site is what you use to deal you're not going to make it. There is a wayward, Walkingoneggshells, that they made a guide or moderator. This special flower brought another dude into their home and played footsies with him until he announced to both of them that he wanted the betrayed spouses wife and she LEFT with him. After he dumped her she came crawling back and now gives advice on how if you viewed your marriage as less than perfect THAT was your issue, not the horrific betrayal you concocted to deal with it. There is another wayward man on there that is just there to out wayward the other waywards by all his wisdom (lacking completely) and will argue repeatedly how others are just too stubborn to see his brilliant pablum. No dude, you're simply not capable of linear thought processes and reason. But nice try. Please people, get thee to a good counselor or a wise friend before you ever read on this disaster.

Oh My GOD. I had to add to this as I was notified by another member and read that a man raped his wife. He posted about his actions that were clear rape and the betrayed men glossed over it and told him what a great guy he was and how he needed to get away from his cheating wife. He raped his wife! Nothing from the site admin or mods and my God. I hope the wives of these men read what they have said and run fast and far. This is just a complete horror.

I was a member for over 4 years. Through that time I've watched the site degrade and become a morass of wallowing and whining. I need to be clear. I'm a betrayed spouse. Deeply Scared (**) is a petty, small, entitled attention addicted admin. She responds to any questioning with thinly veiled venom and patronizing often banning the person before they can respond then shaming them after the fact. There used to be other strong voices that balanced that out and still provided some real solid advice and healthy support. What it's become now is a detriment to healing rather than a help.

You have wayward spouses that are in absolutely horrifying situations that are seldom encouraged to leave but to sit and take all injuries because it's deserved and betrayed spouses who blame their cheating spouse for everything wrong in their life from the moment of discovery on. It's ludicrous. The "My life is over", "my life is forever ruined". Seriously? Than you have some serious work to do. No one person can ever have that power over you. Isn't that the repeated mantra to waywards? Doesn't matter how you were treated or what your betrayed spouse did to you prior your affair had zero to do with any of that. Whatever makes them feel better but if you smoke for years, you're gonna increase your chances of lung cancer and yeah, had everything to do with the smoking. I'm not saying all marriages at all. There are just some really screwed up people. Sadly, most of us had an idea of that when we were dating that special person but didn't pay attention or dismissed.

Bottom line is that betrayal is a very real part of life. Almost everyone experiences it and to treat it as if it is some very special occurrence along with a get out of jail free for the rest of your life card is basically the same logic cheaters used. Stop whining. Turn on the news, for God's sake. There are people in serious pain caused by life threatening events every day. Grow some and heal yourself. Stop making excuses. You're embarrassing the rest of us that have moved on and worked through it without falling apart of blaming our ex/current wayward for everything including the lack of rain.

Have no idea what happened to Solus Sto. She used to be awesome and a real mentor when I joined. She's now just as bad as everyone else. Come on! Maybe time to move on.

**personal info redacted by admin