Appreciate the inputs and summary. Totally agree with the review and started immediately to change the language. It's like when people ask you who you are, often we tend to start talk about what we do for a living, but we are more than our professions. Put the light on that, what makes you stand out out of 250 applicant's? How can they learn to know your 25-30 or 40 years of life and your achievements in two pages?
Their review can help you.